Such a failure

Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. I feel too ashamed to admit my failure. I have been eating loads for the past 5 days (1200-1500/day), all with the justification that I had an important interview. I DID have an incredibly important interview. In fact, it was for my dream job in my dream city, and I thought it'd be wise to increase my intake a bit. However, being me, I have a very all or nothing approach to food..so even though my interview was on Tuesday, so I somehow managed to continue in this manner until tonight. I feel like I've already gained so much (don't even want to weigh myself), that all hope is lost. I know that this is the wrong approach to have, and I WILL start on 400-500 tomorrow. I look SO FAT, though. How can I gain so incredibly quickly?! :-( Another problem is that I dont have much time for exercise at the moment...I've actually been enjoying the exercise for the past few weeks. I feel so lost without it.

Another thing is that told one of my best friends about my ED in the past, but she also has an ED and she's probably the only person that I can talk to about my problems. None of my other friends would understand. I feel guilty for discussing it with her, though. I don't want to trigger her. I'm also staying with one of my friends tomorrow, and she suffers from an ED but isnt really aware of mine. I'm a bit nervous about her noticing my eating habits, etc. To be honest, one of the things I fear about confiding in people about my eating habits is that I feel they must be thinking "How can she have problems eating? She's SO FAT!".

I met up with a friend last night and I ended up eating cheesecake. Not only does this make me a complete failure (I only had it because she asked me to share desert with her about 20 times and I kept saying no, until she thought it was strange that I was so adamant), but I also ended up purging in the bathroom afterwards. I purged wine and cheesecake in a public pathroom. It was my first time throwing up in a public bathroom, but the place was empty. I constantly felt paranoid, though and I had to wait quite a while for my eyes to stop watering so that I could get back to my friend. Another thing is that I never seem to purge everything (at least, it takes me a very long time..so not very practical for public places) and I always feel sick afterwards. Does the nausea carry on for you guys as well, or is it just me?

So..I'm staying with my friend at my old uni tomorrow and we're going to a Xmas formal dinner. My dietary requirements have been set to vegan, so I feel a bit better, but I'm still absolutely terrified. I should probably get to bed soon, but I hate the fact that I feel soo full. I miss feeling empty.

Anyway, rant over. Hope you ladies have been well.

Much love,
AA xxx