Saturday, 19 November 2011


WHY have I just gained 1lb when I've been sticking to 400-500 calories/day and have been doing at least 40min of exercise every day? HELP.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

I hate calories

I'm still feeling awful about my trip to Greggs and I actually feel too physically sick to even work out properly. I've just look up the calories in the pastry that I had - 320. The doughnut is even worse - at least 400! So I've absorbed at least half of those due to my at least 350-400 for something that I didn't even enjoy. Great.

What is wrong with me?

I have been craving things every single evening, probably due to restricting so much during the day. I'm fine during the day, though. Anyway, I went to a nearby shop/bakery called Gregs (those from the UK will know) and bought a lot of food and just binged. It's incredibly greasy food and it made me feel I went and purged it, except that I couldn't even purge it all out - probably less than half. I don't know why, but I just couldn't throw up the rest. I still feel disgusting - physically and with myself. The thing is that I actually found the food quite repulsive even when I was eating it. The sausage rolls were too greasy and the cupcakes were too sickening. I don't think I even crave junk food anymore - I feel like I've become a bit scared of food. I much prefer healthy foods now, anyway - last night I made a Japanese stir fry and it was wonderful.
I guess now I'm off to burn off the enormous amount of calories that I've consumed.


Tuesday, 15 November 2011


I had been doing so well, but now I feel my weight has just hit a steady plateau. My scales have actually broken (need to order some asap), but I am sure I haven't lost in the past few days.
I also consumed 600 calories today instead of my target 400.

Does anyone have any dinner recipes that they'd be willing to share? I tried out some tofu stir fry today and I've bought some meat substitutes.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm soo hungry - not sure how to carry on like this. I dont know why I'm so incredibly hungry today - I've been on 300-400 calories/day for the past 2 weeks and I think it's finally catching up with me. I'm fine during the day because I know that I have food to look forward to in the evening, but then 8pm-2am or so (yes, I go to bed quite late) is torture for me and I'm soo tempted to binge!

Saturday, 12 November 2011

The beginning

Hi everyone,

I've decided to start my own blog, having read soo many others. My life has been a bit hectic lately and I don't really know how to deal with it. I wouldn't say my coping mechanisms are exactly healthy. I am scared that I am spiralling out of control, so that is one of the reasons why I've recently started restricting food and exercising like crazy. I want control and I want to prove to myself that I can. Part of it is also because I simply want to look thinner, because I'm way too fat at the moment (127lb, disgusting). My mother often tells me how fat I look and that her friends' daughters are thinner. I don't want them to be better than me. I also want to be noticed, but at the same time, I want to 'disappear'. I don't know, I'm confused. All I know is that I have been taking in 300-500 calories a day for the past week and I feel much better. I am just scared that I might give up at some time, or at least binge, but I hope I don't...and I hope you guys will help to motivate me.

My UGW is 100 lb.

One of my best friends is suffering from anorexia, and I worry about her so much, so I dont want to go down that path myself...but at this crazy weight, I can afford to starve and lose some weight. I can't really see myself not being able to stop. I'm probably not strong enough to go that far, anyway.

Anyway, I will keep updating. I just need some emotional support at the moment. Some crazy things have happened lately and I feel so alone, but I can't talk to any of my friends about it. Well, I ended up talking to my best friend (who I've known for years), although this wasn't out of choice, but she didnt understand at all and just made it worse...I don't blame her, but the fact that I cant even talk to her makes me feel even more alone.

Anyhow, I'm off to some jumping jacks to music - that often cheers me up.

Much love xxx