Thursday, 15 December 2011

Good and Bad

I realise I haven't updated in a long, long time. I can't even remember where I left off and everything that's happened since then. In a nutshell, food situation has been going well..everything else, bad.

To start off with the good points, I've lost quite a bit of weight and am very pleased. I've had a lot of willpower and have managed to keep my intake down to 400-500 on most days..although today I must've reached around 800-900! I'll just keep telling myself that it's a wise move, since it'll boost my body and get it out of starvation mode. Hmm, yeah. A few people have noticed that I've lost weight, which is always motivating. I've also dropped a dress size and a half, which of course is nice, but does mean that some of my clothes no longer fit. I'm not even that skinny yet - I'm a size 8. It's dreadful to think that I was even fatter than this!
I went to visit one of my old uni friends a couple of weeks ago, and it was a bit of a disaster. She herself is anorexic and has been trying to recover for the past year. We've discussed it a lot, and I've always been there for her. However, she wasn't aware of my ED past (I had anorexic tendencies/EDNOS for a long time before I was 14, and then for 6 months or so around the age of 20) and I concealed it because I didnt think it'd help her to know. I thought it'd only trigger her, so I kept it quiet. However, more recently, she has been asking me questions such as "how do you eat and not feel guilty or out of control afterwards", etc and I've found it difficult to answer...since I always do feel guilty about food! Anyway, she picked up on a couple of habits when I stayed with her and noticed that I was eating less. She gave me a long, long lecture on why I shouldnt be doing this to my body, I told her about my past and that I've been slipping back into that (although, I just see this as losing weight/"dieting" at the moment. I dont think it's getting too out of hand). I think she was disappointed and concerned, but it also felt like she didnt believe that I really had gone through it and that I know what it's like. I think she felt like I was disrespecting her a bit and that I thought of it as a lifestyle choice and that I just want to lose weight and dont really understand the potential consequences. Well, that's what it felt like. So we talked about it for quite a while and I tried to explain what triggers it for me, but I think I ended up trying to justify my behaviours (restricting, purging)...which in turn, means I'm justifying it for her. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was supposed to be seeing her this weekend, but she cancelled and said that she finds it too hard to be around me now, because she feels that I support those kind of behaviours and that I justify her doing it..etc. I can see what she means, and esp now that she's in recovery, she eats more than I perhaps that in itself is triggering. However, I am a bit upset and shocked because I was there for her throughout the entire year and listened to her for hours on end, whereas now that I'm suffering from something, she can't be there for me. I just get the feeling that she doesnt believe my past and she thinks that I'm "pro ana" or that I think it's a choice.

I guess my other concern is that I'm going on holiday with one of my close friends on Saturday and she's bulimic. I know that it used to be very bad, but now she purges approx once a week...which is still worrying :( I worry about her so much, but we havent discussed it too much. I dont know if she knows that I also b&p sometimes and I dont want to trigger her or make her feel uncomfortable. I'm also panicking quite a lot about the holiday. I've been restricting for so long (it's long for me!) and I can tell that I'll just give up one day on holiday (esp since my mother won't be there - the driving factor for my ana tendencies) and binge...and then I'll want to purge. Ive only successfully purged once in public...I'm always too paranoid of people coming into the bathroom, and it'll be especially bad if my friend walks in. I feel that I need to b&p before going on holiday, just to get it out of the way. I never enjoy b&p, so I usually feel very put off by the idea for a few days afterwards. However, I most likely wont get the opportunity to be on my own tomorrow. :(

Anyway, everything else in my life has been going badly. I know that I never actually explained what the problem is, but I dont really want to yet. I've just been feeling very helpless and have resorted back to cutting. I think the only thing keeping me going is my ability to control my intake and monitor my progress with my weight. It just feels like I'm doing something right, when I see the number go down on the scale.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing and disjointed (am in a rush) post. Hope you've all been well. I've been reading your blogs regularly, but sorry I havent commented yet.


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