The beginning

Hi everyone,

I've decided to start my own blog, having read soo many others. My life has been a bit hectic lately and I don't really know how to deal with it. I wouldn't say my coping mechanisms are exactly healthy. I am scared that I am spiralling out of control, so that is one of the reasons why I've recently started restricting food and exercising like crazy. I want control and I want to prove to myself that I can. Part of it is also because I simply want to look thinner, because I'm way too fat at the moment (127lb, disgusting). My mother often tells me how fat I look and that her friends' daughters are thinner. I don't want them to be better than me. I also want to be noticed, but at the same time, I want to 'disappear'. I don't know, I'm confused. All I know is that I have been taking in 300-500 calories a day for the past week and I feel much better. I am just scared that I might give up at some time, or at least binge, but I hope I don't...and I hope you guys will help to motivate me.

My UGW is 100 lb.

One of my best friends is suffering from anorexia, and I worry about her so much, so I dont want to go down that path myself...but at this crazy weight, I can afford to starve and lose some weight. I can't really see myself not being able to stop. I'm probably not strong enough to go that far, anyway.

Anyway, I will keep updating. I just need some emotional support at the moment. Some crazy things have happened lately and I feel so alone, but I can't talk to any of my friends about it. Well, I ended up talking to my best friend (who I've known for years), although this wasn't out of choice, but she didnt understand at all and just made it worse...I don't blame her, but the fact that I cant even talk to her makes me feel even more alone.

Anyhow, I'm off to some jumping jacks to music - that often cheers me up.

Much love xxx