I have just binged non-stop. What is wrong with me. I think it's because I ate at a restaurant earlier today (had a date) - eating early on always sets me up for failure. I can't even purge it now, cause my mom is next door and the walls are pretty thin. I am SO hungry. I have even planned to go for pizza with a friend tomorrow (the one I'm going on holiday with). The holiday is only 1 day away..Im feeling pretty excited, but also worried. Also, I wasnt too pleased after my date experience today, so perhaps thats why im in a binge mood. I just want everything. I plan on having a starter tomorrow, pizza, and desert. I probably wont even want it all, but I just want to get it out of the way, so to speak. Then I will restrict, restrict, restrict and gain my control back. I dont know..I need something to motivate me and pick me back up.
I've developed a mark/calluse on my knuckle from purging. I hope it's not too obvious to people, especially to the friend I'm going on holiday with (the one who's bulimic). Lets call her M. I wonder whether these things are obvious to me because I know the signs, or whether it's just obvious to the general public.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
Thursday, 15 December 2011
Good and Bad
I realise I haven't updated in a long, long time. I can't even remember where I left off and everything that's happened since then. In a nutshell, food situation has been going well..everything else, bad.
To start off with the good points, I've lost quite a bit of weight and am very pleased. I've had a lot of willpower and have managed to keep my intake down to 400-500 on most days..although today I must've reached around 800-900! I'll just keep telling myself that it's a wise move, since it'll boost my body and get it out of starvation mode. Hmm, yeah. A few people have noticed that I've lost weight, which is always motivating. I've also dropped a dress size and a half, which of course is nice, but does mean that some of my clothes no longer fit. I'm not even that skinny yet - I'm a size 8. It's dreadful to think that I was even fatter than this!
I went to visit one of my old uni friends a couple of weeks ago, and it was a bit of a disaster. She herself is anorexic and has been trying to recover for the past year. We've discussed it a lot, and I've always been there for her. However, she wasn't aware of my ED past (I had anorexic tendencies/EDNOS for a long time before I was 14, and then for 6 months or so around the age of 20) and I concealed it because I didnt think it'd help her to know. I thought it'd only trigger her, so I kept it quiet. However, more recently, she has been asking me questions such as "how do you eat and not feel guilty or out of control afterwards", etc and I've found it difficult to answer...since I always do feel guilty about food! Anyway, she picked up on a couple of habits when I stayed with her and noticed that I was eating less. She gave me a long, long lecture on why I shouldnt be doing this to my body, etc...so I told her about my past and that I've been slipping back into that (although, I just see this as losing weight/"dieting" at the moment. I dont think it's getting too out of hand). I think she was disappointed and concerned, but it also felt like she didnt believe that I really had gone through it and that I know what it's like. I think she felt like I was disrespecting her a bit and that I thought of it as a lifestyle choice and that I just want to lose weight and dont really understand the potential consequences. Well, that's what it felt like. So we talked about it for quite a while and I tried to explain what triggers it for me, but I think I ended up trying to justify my behaviours (restricting, purging)...which in turn, means I'm justifying it for her. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was supposed to be seeing her this weekend, but she cancelled and said that she finds it too hard to be around me now, because she feels that I support those kind of behaviours and that I justify her doing it..etc. I can see what she means, and esp now that she's in recovery, she eats more than I do...so perhaps that in itself is triggering. However, I am a bit upset and shocked because I was there for her throughout the entire year and listened to her for hours on end, whereas now that I'm suffering from something, she can't be there for me. I just get the feeling that she doesnt believe my past and she thinks that I'm "pro ana" or that I think it's a choice.
I guess my other concern is that I'm going on holiday with one of my close friends on Saturday and she's bulimic. I know that it used to be very bad, but now she purges approx once a week...which is still worrying :( I worry about her so much, but we havent discussed it too much. I dont know if she knows that I also b&p sometimes and I dont want to trigger her or make her feel uncomfortable. I'm also panicking quite a lot about the holiday. I've been restricting for so long (it's long for me!) and I can tell that I'll just give up one day on holiday (esp since my mother won't be there - the driving factor for my ana tendencies) and binge...and then I'll want to purge. Ive only successfully purged once in public...I'm always too paranoid of people coming into the bathroom, and it'll be especially bad if my friend walks in. I feel that I need to b&p before going on holiday, just to get it out of the way. I never enjoy b&p, so I usually feel very put off by the idea for a few days afterwards. However, I most likely wont get the opportunity to be on my own tomorrow. :(
Anyway, everything else in my life has been going badly. I know that I never actually explained what the problem is, but I dont really want to yet. I've just been feeling very helpless and have resorted back to cutting. I think the only thing keeping me going is my ability to control my intake and monitor my progress with my weight. It just feels like I'm doing something right, when I see the number go down on the scale.
Anyway, sorry for the depressing and disjointed (am in a rush) post. Hope you've all been well. I've been reading your blogs regularly, but sorry I havent commented yet.
xxx
To start off with the good points, I've lost quite a bit of weight and am very pleased. I've had a lot of willpower and have managed to keep my intake down to 400-500 on most days..although today I must've reached around 800-900! I'll just keep telling myself that it's a wise move, since it'll boost my body and get it out of starvation mode. Hmm, yeah. A few people have noticed that I've lost weight, which is always motivating. I've also dropped a dress size and a half, which of course is nice, but does mean that some of my clothes no longer fit. I'm not even that skinny yet - I'm a size 8. It's dreadful to think that I was even fatter than this!
I went to visit one of my old uni friends a couple of weeks ago, and it was a bit of a disaster. She herself is anorexic and has been trying to recover for the past year. We've discussed it a lot, and I've always been there for her. However, she wasn't aware of my ED past (I had anorexic tendencies/EDNOS for a long time before I was 14, and then for 6 months or so around the age of 20) and I concealed it because I didnt think it'd help her to know. I thought it'd only trigger her, so I kept it quiet. However, more recently, she has been asking me questions such as "how do you eat and not feel guilty or out of control afterwards", etc and I've found it difficult to answer...since I always do feel guilty about food! Anyway, she picked up on a couple of habits when I stayed with her and noticed that I was eating less. She gave me a long, long lecture on why I shouldnt be doing this to my body, etc...so I told her about my past and that I've been slipping back into that (although, I just see this as losing weight/"dieting" at the moment. I dont think it's getting too out of hand). I think she was disappointed and concerned, but it also felt like she didnt believe that I really had gone through it and that I know what it's like. I think she felt like I was disrespecting her a bit and that I thought of it as a lifestyle choice and that I just want to lose weight and dont really understand the potential consequences. Well, that's what it felt like. So we talked about it for quite a while and I tried to explain what triggers it for me, but I think I ended up trying to justify my behaviours (restricting, purging)...which in turn, means I'm justifying it for her. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was supposed to be seeing her this weekend, but she cancelled and said that she finds it too hard to be around me now, because she feels that I support those kind of behaviours and that I justify her doing it..etc. I can see what she means, and esp now that she's in recovery, she eats more than I do...so perhaps that in itself is triggering. However, I am a bit upset and shocked because I was there for her throughout the entire year and listened to her for hours on end, whereas now that I'm suffering from something, she can't be there for me. I just get the feeling that she doesnt believe my past and she thinks that I'm "pro ana" or that I think it's a choice.
I guess my other concern is that I'm going on holiday with one of my close friends on Saturday and she's bulimic. I know that it used to be very bad, but now she purges approx once a week...which is still worrying :( I worry about her so much, but we havent discussed it too much. I dont know if she knows that I also b&p sometimes and I dont want to trigger her or make her feel uncomfortable. I'm also panicking quite a lot about the holiday. I've been restricting for so long (it's long for me!) and I can tell that I'll just give up one day on holiday (esp since my mother won't be there - the driving factor for my ana tendencies) and binge...and then I'll want to purge. Ive only successfully purged once in public...I'm always too paranoid of people coming into the bathroom, and it'll be especially bad if my friend walks in. I feel that I need to b&p before going on holiday, just to get it out of the way. I never enjoy b&p, so I usually feel very put off by the idea for a few days afterwards. However, I most likely wont get the opportunity to be on my own tomorrow. :(
Anyway, everything else in my life has been going badly. I know that I never actually explained what the problem is, but I dont really want to yet. I've just been feeling very helpless and have resorted back to cutting. I think the only thing keeping me going is my ability to control my intake and monitor my progress with my weight. It just feels like I'm doing something right, when I see the number go down on the scale.
Anyway, sorry for the depressing and disjointed (am in a rush) post. Hope you've all been well. I've been reading your blogs regularly, but sorry I havent commented yet.
xxx
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Such a failure
Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. I feel too ashamed to admit my failure. I have been eating loads for the past 5 days (1200-1500/day), all with the justification that I had an important interview. I DID have an incredibly important interview. In fact, it was for my dream job in my dream city, and I thought it'd be wise to increase my intake a bit. However, being me, I have a very all or nothing approach to food..so even though my interview was on Tuesday, so I somehow managed to continue in this manner until tonight. I feel like I've already gained so much (don't even want to weigh myself), that all hope is lost. I know that this is the wrong approach to have, and I WILL start on 400-500 tomorrow. I look SO FAT, though. How can I gain so incredibly quickly?! :-( Another problem is that I dont have much time for exercise at the moment...I've actually been enjoying the exercise for the past few weeks. I feel so lost without it.
Another thing is that told one of my best friends about my ED in the past, but she also has an ED and she's probably the only person that I can talk to about my problems. None of my other friends would understand. I feel guilty for discussing it with her, though. I don't want to trigger her. I'm also staying with one of my friends tomorrow, and she suffers from an ED but isnt really aware of mine. I'm a bit nervous about her noticing my eating habits, etc. To be honest, one of the things I fear about confiding in people about my eating habits is that I feel they must be thinking "How can she have problems eating? She's SO FAT!".
I met up with a friend last night and I ended up eating cheesecake. Not only does this make me a complete failure (I only had it because she asked me to share desert with her about 20 times and I kept saying no, until she thought it was strange that I was so adamant), but I also ended up purging in the bathroom afterwards. I purged wine and cheesecake in a public pathroom. It was my first time throwing up in a public bathroom, but the place was empty. I constantly felt paranoid, though and I had to wait quite a while for my eyes to stop watering so that I could get back to my friend. Another thing is that I never seem to purge everything (at least, it takes me a very long time..so not very practical for public places) and I always feel sick afterwards. Does the nausea carry on for you guys as well, or is it just me?
So..I'm staying with my friend at my old uni tomorrow and we're going to a Xmas formal dinner. My dietary requirements have been set to vegan, so I feel a bit better, but I'm still absolutely terrified. I should probably get to bed soon, but I hate the fact that I feel soo full. I miss feeling empty.
Anyway, rant over. Hope you ladies have been well.
Much love,
AA xxx
Another thing is that told one of my best friends about my ED in the past, but she also has an ED and she's probably the only person that I can talk to about my problems. None of my other friends would understand. I feel guilty for discussing it with her, though. I don't want to trigger her. I'm also staying with one of my friends tomorrow, and she suffers from an ED but isnt really aware of mine. I'm a bit nervous about her noticing my eating habits, etc. To be honest, one of the things I fear about confiding in people about my eating habits is that I feel they must be thinking "How can she have problems eating? She's SO FAT!".
I met up with a friend last night and I ended up eating cheesecake. Not only does this make me a complete failure (I only had it because she asked me to share desert with her about 20 times and I kept saying no, until she thought it was strange that I was so adamant), but I also ended up purging in the bathroom afterwards. I purged wine and cheesecake in a public pathroom. It was my first time throwing up in a public bathroom, but the place was empty. I constantly felt paranoid, though and I had to wait quite a while for my eyes to stop watering so that I could get back to my friend. Another thing is that I never seem to purge everything (at least, it takes me a very long time..so not very practical for public places) and I always feel sick afterwards. Does the nausea carry on for you guys as well, or is it just me?
So..I'm staying with my friend at my old uni tomorrow and we're going to a Xmas formal dinner. My dietary requirements have been set to vegan, so I feel a bit better, but I'm still absolutely terrified. I should probably get to bed soon, but I hate the fact that I feel soo full. I miss feeling empty.
Anyway, rant over. Hope you ladies have been well.
Much love,
AA xxx
Saturday, 19 November 2011
I'M GAINING!
WHY have I just gained 1lb when I've been sticking to 400-500 calories/day and have been doing at least 40min of exercise every day? HELP.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
I hate calories
I'm still feeling awful about my trip to Greggs and I actually feel too physically sick to even work out properly. I've just look up the calories in the pastry that I had - 320. The doughnut is even worse - at least 400! So I've absorbed at least half of those due to my semi-purge...so at least 350-400 for something that I didn't even enjoy. Great.
What is wrong with me?
I have been craving things every single evening, probably due to restricting so much during the day. I'm fine during the day, though. Anyway, I went to a nearby shop/bakery called Gregs (those from the UK will know) and bought a lot of food and just binged. It's incredibly greasy food and it made me feel disgusting...so I went and purged it, except that I couldn't even purge it all out - probably less than half. I don't know why, but I just couldn't throw up the rest. I still feel disgusting - physically and with myself. The thing is that I actually found the food quite repulsive even when I was eating it. The sausage rolls were too greasy and the cupcakes were too sickening. I don't think I even crave junk food anymore - I feel like I've become a bit scared of food. I much prefer healthy foods now, anyway - last night I made a Japanese stir fry and it was wonderful.
I guess now I'm off to burn off the enormous amount of calories that I've consumed.
xxx
I guess now I'm off to burn off the enormous amount of calories that I've consumed.
xxx
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Plateau
I had been doing so well, but now I feel my weight has just hit a steady plateau. My scales have actually broken (need to order some asap), but I am sure I haven't lost in the past few days.
I also consumed 600 calories today instead of my target 400.
Does anyone have any dinner recipes that they'd be willing to share? I tried out some tofu stir fry today and I've bought some meat substitutes.
I have a lot of work to do, but I'm soo hungry - not sure how to carry on like this. I dont know why I'm so incredibly hungry today - I've been on 300-400 calories/day for the past 2 weeks and I think it's finally catching up with me. I'm fine during the day because I know that I have food to look forward to in the evening, but then 8pm-2am or so (yes, I go to bed quite late) is torture for me and I'm soo tempted to binge!
I also consumed 600 calories today instead of my target 400.
Does anyone have any dinner recipes that they'd be willing to share? I tried out some tofu stir fry today and I've bought some meat substitutes.
I have a lot of work to do, but I'm soo hungry - not sure how to carry on like this. I dont know why I'm so incredibly hungry today - I've been on 300-400 calories/day for the past 2 weeks and I think it's finally catching up with me. I'm fine during the day because I know that I have food to look forward to in the evening, but then 8pm-2am or so (yes, I go to bed quite late) is torture for me and I'm soo tempted to binge!
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